Zombies!

I hate zombies. I watched several seasons of The Walking Dead and I enjoyed World War Z, but the concept is stupid.

After watching 24 hour cable news turn American politics into a never ending three ring circus and witnessing Twitter become the battleground of nuanced ideas, I grew to understand how Durl and his crossbow got to be so popular.

When a mob of mindless humans stagger toward you in order to dine on your gray matter, you can pick 'em off, one by one.

No conversation required: they ain't gonna listen anyway.

Thunk! Down they go. Problem solved.

Zombie wearing a MAGA hat? Thunk! Made America greater.

Zombie posting anti-vaxxer bullshit on Facebook? Thunk thunk! One in their skull and one in their artificially inflated hipster heart.

Zombie flying a confederate flag? Thunk!

Zombie selling homemade gluten-free cupcakes? Thunk!

As satisfying as it might be to have a crossbow and a few thousands bolts, I want to be more like Hershel.

Hershel was the old fart that thought all the zombie bullshit would pass. He captured as many zombies as he could and stuffed them in his barn hoping someone would find a cure.

He did it because those zombies used to be his family and neighbors. He thought they were just sick.

Durl and the gang killed Hershel’s herd of captive zombies to protect themselves. They were afraid the zombies might escape and roam the countryside looking for brains to eat and scared shitless they might vote for the wrong party in November.

We are led to believe there are more zombies than actually exist, because they are drawn like moths to heavily televised rallies and hermetically sealed news programs. They gather in ever larger groups in their mindless pursuit, identifying themselves to each other with hash-tags, t-shirts and truck nuts.

Don’t get me wrong, zombies are dangerous. They will suck your brains through your eyes sockets if you give ‘em half a chance but they can’t swing a presidential election.

Zombies will die if they don’t get any brains to eat. Killing zombies one at a time might be fun but it is incredibly inefficient. Don’t give those mindless maniacs anything to chew on.

And remember kids, those zombies used to be your family, friends and neighbors.

Thunk about it.