The Hallelujah Chili Supper

My father-in-law asked me to be the musical entertainment at a boy scout chili supper because the band he hired couldn’t make it. The guitar player’s parents had grounded him.

Because I’m a pretty good musician; I can play and sing at the same time, I agreed to do it.

I immediately broke into a cold sweat. I’ve been playing for a long time but I didn’t play in front of strangers very often.

My father-in-law was asking me to do this at the last minute. The chili supper was in 2 days. So I put a fistful of song lyrics in a folder, stuffed them in my guitar case and hoped for the best.

The event was being held in an echo prone cinder block community center. I set myself up on a carpeted landing. I had a folding chair, mic stand, music stand, guitar stand and my little amplifier.

It was chaotic. Lots of little boys and girls and their parents getting chili and settling themselves. I didn’t know when I should begin.

While I was thinking about it my wife told me she and her mom were going shopping. Her justification for abandoning me was that she had heard all my songs before. Which wasn’t true. She didn’t like my songs. In case you were wondering, that was a long time ago and we are no longer married.

Now that my wife had gone shopping my father-in-law was the only one I knew at this shindig so I thought about packing up and leaving before it began. My wife wasn’t there to complain about me breaking my promise. But my father-in-law tracked me down and made me get on stage.

I’m not a professional musician so I didn’t know what song to start with, nor did I even know which songs I wanted to play.

My mind churned. I thought about playing ‘If I Had a Boat’. Kids loved it because it’s about the dreams of a little boy growing up in Texas, but it has the phrase “kiss my ass” in it. The next song I thought about playing was, ‘Don’t Bury Me’ by John Prine and, I swear to God, ALSO has the phrase “kiss my ass” in it. I was afraid to play anything in case every song I knew had “kiss my ass” in it.

So I improvised. I played various 12 bar progressions with chord voicings and the people seemed to enjoy it. In the end I didn’t really want them to pay attention to me, so I would hang on a chord. It just means I tinkered around on one chord, playing different voicings. It was kind of like elevator music: background noise.

A couple of times boy scouts would ask if they could use my mic and amplifier to make announcements. The building had a PA system and a podium with a microphone but they thought my mic stand and amplifier was cool.

From time to time I’d take a cigarette break and think about packing up my stuff. I wasn’t having a good time, but my father-in-law kept his eye on me and held me to my word. He got the idea I was a flight risk.

I told him my dilemma over the “kiss my ass” lyric and he said, “Screw ‘em, play what you want to play! Tell ‘em all to kiss your ass!”

That helped, but it didn’t help me figure out which songs to play. I killed time thinking about what to start with by hanging on a chord, when out of the blue this guy scoots back his chair and says loudly and angrily, “He doesn’t look like shit!”

He was looking right at me when he said it, so there was no question as to who he was referring to. The implication being that, since I didn’t look like shit I must sound like shit.

I said to hell with it and started playing songs I liked. The loud angry guy was mollified and everyone just ignored me for the most part.

Since I no longer cared what the audience thought I decided to play a song I was still learning. I didn’t know the words or the chords very well so I had to put the music stand in front of my face.

The song is called Hallelujah. It’s by a guy named Leonard Cohen. It’s a sad, dark love song; about lost love. I really loved the chord progression because it was a challenge.

The music stand blocked my view of the audience which helped me concentrate on my performance.

It starts off, “I heard there was a secret chord, that David played and it pleased the lord, but you don’t really care for music, do you?” That verse, being the first, fools people into thinking it’s a religious song.

It was at that point that I saw the face of a little boy looking up at me from under the music stand. He was laying on the carpeted stairs. In a few moments there were dozens of boys and girls leaning on the stairs, staring up at me as I played that melancholy love song.

When I got to the chorus, which is simply, “Hallelujah” sung four times, the kids sang it with me. It surprised me.

I had forgotten why that song would be popular with kids. I suddenly remembered that it was in the movie Shrek. Hallelujah plays while we see scenes of Fiona preparing to marry Farquad and Shrek sits at home alone, his heart all busted up.

Now that the kids were paying attention I thought ahead to what the coming lyrics were, just in case Leonard Cohen had snuck in a “kiss my ass” while I wasn’t looking.

I realized I should skip the fourth verse which has the line, “Remember when I moved in you,” which is quite literally about making love to the woman he’s singing about. I didn’t think the kids would understand it but I knew the parents would and I didn’t want them to get mad at me.

By the time I got to the last chorus everyone in the building, including the loud angry guy, was singing along. "Hallelujah! Hallelujah!" It gave me goosebumps. It was the most eerie and touching thing that had ever happened to me.

When the last note faded away they burst into applause. It was the first and last time that night.

That was my cue. I packed up my stuff and put it in the car. I quit while I was ahead.

Since it was a chili supper I went and got myself a bowl. I had been tempted to eat before I went on stage but I already had butterflies in my tummy and I didn’t wanna shit my pants in front of a hundred people.

My father-in-law came by where I was seated and told me I was awesome. Little boys and girls came up and gave me high fives. People patted me on the back while I ate my chili.

Eventually my wife got back and we got in our car to go home. She asked me how it went. I said, “It was alright.”