To The Moon, Alice

I have phrases that I say, playfully, as a father. Like family memes. Such as, “I’m gonna punch you in the face.” I don’t say it quite that straight forward, I’ll grind down on IN THE FACE!”

It’s meant to be funny. My sister will imitate me saying it to one of my kids or one of her own. Everyone laughs, hardy har.

Ralph Kramden was a character on a popular TV show in the mid 1950s called the Honeymooners. At some point during every episode of that show Ralph would say to his beloved wife, Alice, that he was going to beat her up.

Ralph wasn’t allowed to say, “Alice, I’m going to beat the living shit out of you,” even though there were no law against wife-beating in the 1950s. Your husband could beat you up and rape you and there was nothing the police could do to stop him because you married him. That wasn’t even a hundred years ago, right here in America.

Ralph could have beat up Alice off screen. What he could not do is say he was going to beat her up on a corporate sponsored televised broadcast.

In the good ol’ days, you had to be creative. You could dance around the subject of beating the shit out of your wife in a wistful, humorous way, the way Ralph Kramden did, by saying, “One of these days Alice, to the moon!” 

The implication being that Ralph would punch Alice so hard that she would escape earth’s gravity, soar through the atmosphere, travel through the vacuum of space nearly 240,000 miles and end up on earth’s only natural satellite, the moon. 

“Pow!” Ralph would say, “Right in the kisser!”

Such an explosive, emotional statement doesn’t take into consideration the calculation required to determine just when and where Ralph should pummel his wife so that her trajectory would send her into the path of the moon and make sure she landed just right, say in the sea of tranquility.

Nothing is said about how Alice would survive on the lunar surface. After all, even Ralph Kramden would have known there’s no oxygen on the moon. Alice couldn’t just dust herself off and go make moon pies after such a traumatic change in her lifestyle, even if she survived the trip through space. Ralph never says, “Put on your space suit, Alice!”

Ralph Kramden would never be allowed to say, “Alice I’m going to hit you in the mouth so hard you’ll fly to the moon.” He never said exactly that but it was heavily implied on every episode of the Honeymooners. It was the catch phrase of the show, implying that a fat, stupid, career bus driver was going to domestically abuse his wife and we would all find it hilarious.

Alice Kramden was smarter than Ralph, which is why she received such verbal abuse from her schlub of a husband. She wasn’t afraid of him or his threats.

If Alice Kramden’s corpse was found in the Kramden family’s apartment, Norton the neighbor could look at the cameras and say, “How is anyone surprised? He’s been saying he’s going to beat the shit out of her for years!”

My threat to punch one of my children in the face was no more serious than Ralph Kramden’s threat to send his wife to the moon using only his fist, but my phrase didn’t come from Ralph Kramden. It came from George W. Bush. 

Not the actual George W Bush, the son of a one-term president named George HW Bush, but the fictional version of W from the TV show, That’s My Bush, that starred 2 actors who looked stunningly like the first POTUS of the 2nd millennium and his wife Laura. It came out that they were silly gooses, calling each other Bushy.

W was an incompetent president that was the puppet of a man who eventually became a billionaire, Dick Cheney. After the attacks on 9/11 Cheney disappeared for months on end into the presidential bunker, while W went out and gave speeches telling people to buy cars and smart phones because if they didn’t the terrorists win.

I was never a fan of W but I was scared shitless of Dick Cheney who would protect themself in a bunker while his president stood vulnerable in the open as the bruised and battered president of the most powerful nation in the world.

That’s My Bush wasn’t a good show and it didn’t last long, because it showed who our president actually was. It freaked out a lot of people. The most powerful man in the world was portrayed as someone who couldn’t beat a chimpanzee at checkers.

Because the actual president was a bumbling idiot what Matt Parker and Trey Stone should have shown us was a man who stumbled in front of the cameras but was Superman while no one was watching. It would have been fake but we would have laughed our asses off and it wouldn’t have scared the shit out of us.

W, which is what folks called that president, was as dumb as a box of Shrinky Dinks for sale at a garage sale after someone had already shrunk them. He was an entitled son of a rich oil man who eventually became president, who didn’t have to do anything to prove himself, which is how the privileged bring up their children for some reason. They allow them to not achieve anything. They expect nothing and they get exactly what they should expect, though, for some reason, they’re disappointed that their children don’t rise above their raising.

In America the children of privilege going to private schools aren’t expected to earn good grades, but they are expected to get good grades, even if mommy and daddy have to purchase those grades.

The W portrayed on That’s My Bush had a way of unraveling metaphors. The real W would start off with a metaphor and finish with a song lyric. “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice . . . we won’t get fooled again.”

The W on That’s My Bush was known for saying to the first lady, “Laura, I’m going to punch you in the face.” Though he may have been smiling he wasn’t beating around his Bush. It was W’s way of unraveling Ralph Kramden saying he wanted to beat up his wife because she made him look like a fool over and over again.

The fictional character of W in That’s My Bush would say it with a smile and the fictional Laura would smile as if the president of the most powerful nation in the world was her loveable, dimwitted, little imp who was on the verge of beating the shit out of her.

Hilarious!

There was a skit on SNL featuring Ronald Eugene Reagan back in the 80s, during his presidency. He was portrayed as the doddering old fool that white America knew and wanted to call its grandpa.

The skit was of the president running a cabinet meeting. Before he was president he was famous for being an actor in the 1950s. His costar was a chimpanzee. HIGHlarious HIGHjinx ensued, I’m sure.

Reagan doddered his way through the meeting and after everyone left he became a super serious man who could speak Chinese when the red phone rang.

HIGHlarious, and not scary at all. If you had portrayed Ronald Reagan as the doddering old fool that he actually was it would have scared us out of giving him a second term.

Richard Nixon was a shitty president but he wasn’t stupid. After the thugs he hired to break into the DNC offices got caught and it turned into the Watergate scandal all his republican counter-parts pushed him to ‘step-down’ as president before he was removed. 

Like the narcissist in chief currently serving a term as president, Nixon believed he was being treated unfairly by the press and said in the speech delivering the news that he was stepping down, “I am not a crook.” He also said, “You won’t have Richard Nixon to kick around anymore.”

As bad as Nixon was, a man who was about to get impeached while hippies ruled the earth, Ronald Eugene Reagan was worse. I would put it to you that he was demon spawn from Hell. He could be the antichrist predicted in revelations!

Reagan was a shitty human being who wouldn’t talk about the AIDS epidemic, which was killing a large portion of Americans. Like a lot of Americans he thought AIDS was icky because it mostly affected boys who put their wieners inside other boy’s butts.

The disease wasn’t just for gay men, it was for intravenous drug users, who would pass it around by sharing needles. This is one case in which you don’t want someone to do the Christian thing: keep that needle to yourself.

There were conspiracy theories that the government was involved in creating a disease that would only hurt and kill people considered undesirable by the masses, such as Homosexuals and IntraVenous drug users.

I capitalized the H of Homosexual and IV of IntraVenous because I always thought it was suspect that the HIV infection that lead to full blown AIDS was abbreviated that way and it covers both of the largest affected groups.

Reagan wouldn’t acknowledge the crack cocaine epidemic either, which was very likely husbanded by his CIA to affect the same 2 groups of people and drag them down even further. Reagan felt empowered to kill people. Or to engineer their untimely demise. 

He was a super-villain.

The worst 3 things Reagan did is that he crapped on the poor with his parable of the Welfare Queen, he got rid of the Fairness Doctrine and he defunded mental health care.

Reagan used the actions of one black woman to crap on millions of people benefitting from the American Welfare system, the majority of which were white.

The Fairness Doctrine was used to keep political balance in the broadcast community. If you broadcast a political opinion and someone who opposed that opinion heard it, you had to broadcast the oppositions opinion, by law. That kept balance in the USA.

Because of The Fairness Doctrine you couldn’t have a network that called itself “Fair and Balanced” while having zero intent of keeping its position as a tool of the antichrist to itself. Nor would you have had a bloviating moron named Limbaugh vomiting vile, toxic 3rd Reich rhetoric on the radio and TV everyday.

Reagan was a narcissist who thought mental health was an excuse for bad behavior and that people weren’t really mentally ill. He wanted America to quit paying for the excuse for bad behavior, so he did. 

Overnight crazy people wandered the streets because the federal government quit paying for beds in mental health institutions. Is it any wonder that active shooters in schools became so popular a few years later?

Reagan planted seeds of evil that America is harvesting today. He wasn’t threatening to send Americans to the moon using his fists, he was sending some of them to hell with his policies.

People are in the streets all over America protesting the murder of Renee Good in Minneapolis Minnesota who confronted federally funded members of ICE. She was shot multiple times and killed. 

ICE is out of control and tRump loves it. He loves chaos. He can get away with being a pedophile while there’s chaos in the streets.

If you don’t believe tRump is a pedo look up his activities before the year 2000. The guy bragged about walking in on little girls while they were in their dressing rooms and joked about his obligation to have sex with contestants of his beauty pageants. He claimed that he was allowed because he owned the rights to the beauty pageant.

Har har har. 

tRump was a pedo long before he got too old to chase girls wearing frilly panties.

For those limp dicks out there who refused to cover your Covid-hole with a piece of fabric, what do you think of federal agents hiding their identities by wearing a mask? 

Where are all the alpha-males I keep hearing republicans talk about? Wearing a mask and firing shots at a woman in a car ain’t alpha-male no matter which way you twist it and you cucks in the republican party ain’t gonna twist it until it is.

I lay it all at the feet of Ronald Reagan who was racist, misogynist, entitled, stupid and currently boiling in a toilet bowl filled with Satan’s shit, in a dark, lonely corner of Hell.

The current president’s version of, “To the moon, Alice! Pow! Right in the kisser,” was him saying he could shoot someone on 5th avenue and not lose one vote.

tRump wasn’t being metaphorical when he said it. He meant it and he doubles down on it everyday.

Amen.