Playing Fortnite with my daughters

 

Sara texted, ‘meow’. That meant she was ready to play Fortnite. Then she sent me a picture of the TV showing that Robey CasamirtheGreat Isbell was playing Fortnite!

Awesome! I haven't played with more than one of my sprogs at a time.

Robey had just logged off. She’d been playing solo. She said, “OMG! I just logged off, give me a few minutes and I’ll be back.”

Robey eventually met us in the “lobby”. She can’t use a headset because she plays on a Switch. I have no clue why the Switch won’t allow a headset, but it won’t so I called Robey. When she answered I told her to hold on while I added Sara to the conversation, that way, while in game we could talk to one another.

Sara was shy about speaking at first which made things a awkward because when we played duos she always dropped a pin and gave me a countdown before we jumped together. 

I explained to Robey that I always let Sara drop a pin. Robey said she always let Brett drop pins when they played so she told Sara to drop the pin. Sara did and Robey immediately jumped and started gliding towards it. 

Oh, okay. I usually wait until Sara gave a “3,2,1, jump!” countdown. Sara wasn’t speaking yet, so I guessed we’d wing it.

I love playing battle royale games but it’s difficult to get used to the idea that getting shot isn’t the worst thing that can happen to you. Anytime anyone shoots at me my instinct is to freeze, not jump like an idiot, shoot back or hide behind a wall.

When Sara and I first started playing those games together I called her a paranoid bully because she’d have to yell at me to run, or hide or build my health back with some formula the game provided, or I would be useless to her. 

When we all landed that first time we were running and Robey said, “It's a lot of fun playing Fortnite with someone that knows a lot about it AND someone that knows nothing about it.”

I started laughing. Then I said, “Wait, you meant me?” I thought Robey was talking about herself.

It was a delight playing with both of my daughters, who eventually ganged up on their old man.

For some reason Robey kept getting knocked. She and I had played before, without Sara, so I knew she was better than that, most of the time.

When Robey got knocked she would crawl away in order to stay safe until someone could save her. That someone was Sara. 

I mean, I wanted to revive Robey and I think I did once or twice. Seriously, she was getting knocked every few minutes, so she was giving me multiple opportunities to save her bacon.

Most of the time I’d hear Robey grumbling about getting knocked again and by the time I located her and headed her direction I’d see Sara with flames shooting out her backside making a beeline for her elder sibling, far far ahead of me.

While doing battle in a building Robey went down, for like the 47th time. I wasn’t in on the action, Robey and Sara were doing battle on the other side of the building when Robey went down. 

Sara kept on tearing evil’s buns asunder, so I ran up to revive Robey, who was crawling and somersaulting away from the action.

As I got close enough to revive my eldest kid my youngest kid said, "Got it!" which meant she had finished killing everything in sight and pushed me out of the way to save her sister.

I guess I’ll just moonwalk outta here.

When Sara and I play duos we scavenge until we run into people or the storm starts closing in on us.

I usually avoid making first contact with others and when I see someone I’ll tattle to Sara so she knows to come my direction as I dash towards her.

When Sara engages she doesn’t say anything, but I hear gunfire close, so I head her direction . . . you know, in case she needs my help?

“Got it,” Sara will say after she kills everyone in sight. That girl is a beast. She’s a mass murderer in Fortnite.

Robey got knocked so many times Fortnite gave her an award for crawling more than anyone just trying to stay alive until Sara could revive her.

Robey and I chatted with each other while Sara blasted away the enemies. I told Robey, “This is Sara’s world and we’re just living in it.”

As we were dropping for a fresh battle Robey tried to apologize to Sara and I that she’s usually much better than this. Even when she’s really high.

The problem is she killed herself on impact, just as she was about to finish the sentence, “I’m sorry guys I’m usually MUCH better than . . . dammit!”

While Robey is cursing her luck I ran up to find her. She said, “Well that was ironic.”

“The ironic part wasn’t that you killed yourself,” I said, “but that you were trying to explain how you're usually MUCH better than this AS you were killing yourself.”

At one point I got completely killed. 

That means I was knocked to my knees and before I could somersault away some 10 year old hopped up on Funyuns and Monster energy drinks capped my ass. All that was left of me was a card that Robey grabbed. She sprinted away looking for a van in order to revive me.

While Robey was running I noticed that Sara had gotten knocked, so Robey changed directions in order to revive her, but then some mangey critter completely killed Sara as well.

Robey grabbed Sara’s card and then, like a Valkyrie, flew INTO the storm to revive Sara.

I watched all the action through Robey’s eyes as she raced to the van. 

I told her, “Before you revive Sara, eat Cheesy Poofs to bring your health back up!” 

Yeah, South Park is the theme this season, so it’s not uncommon see Cartman or Kyle blasting away at a well armed Peter Griffin or Homer Simpson wearing only a pair of tighty whities. 

As you’re sloppily pouring Cheesy Poofs down your gullet someone exclaims, “I love Cheesy Poofs!”

I watched the the dial on the revival van thinking how awesome it is that one sister is reviving the other sister when suddenly I’m not in Robey’s head anymore. I’m back in the game!

Dang it! 

I was going to sit back and enjoy spectating as the sisters teamed up and opened multiple cans of whoop ass on those who remained.

Sara and I always have a good time playing Fortnite together. And Robey and I have had a good time playing, but us 3 together? I don’t know the last time that I've laughed as hard or as long. 

It was an awesome sesh.

GG girls. GG

To The Moon, Alice

I have phrases that I say, playfully, as a father. Like family memes. Such as, “I’m gonna punch you in the face.” I don’t say it quite that straight forward, I’ll grind down on IN THE FACE!”

It’s meant to be funny. My sister will imitate me saying it to one of my kids or one of her own. Everyone laughs, hardy har.

Ralph Kramden was a character on a popular TV show in the mid 1950s called the Honeymooners. At some point during every episode of that show Ralph would say to his beloved wife, Alice, that he was going to beat her up.

Ralph wasn’t allowed to say, “Alice, I’m going to beat the living shit out of you,” even though there were no law against wife-beating in the 1950s. Your husband could beat you up and rape you and there was nothing the police could do to stop him because you married him. That wasn’t even a hundred years ago, right here in America.

Ralph could have beat up Alice off screen. What he could not do is say he was going to beat her up on a corporate sponsored televised broadcast.

In the good ol’ days, you had to be creative. You could dance around the subject of beating the shit out of your wife in a wistful, humorous way, the way Ralph Kramden did, by saying, “One of these days Alice, to the moon!” 

The implication being that Ralph would punch Alice so hard that she would escape earth’s gravity, soar through the atmosphere, travel through the vacuum of space nearly 240,000 miles and end up on earth’s only natural satellite, the moon. 

“Pow!” Ralph would say, “Right in the kisser!”

Such an explosive, emotional statement doesn’t take into consideration the calculation required to determine just when and where Ralph should pummel his wife so that her trajectory would send her into the path of the moon and make sure she landed just right, say in the sea of tranquility.

Nothing is said about how Alice would survive on the lunar surface. After all, even Ralph Kramden would have known there’s no oxygen on the moon. Alice couldn’t just dust herself off and go make moon pies after such a traumatic change in her lifestyle, even if she survived the trip through space. Ralph never says, “Put on your space suit, Alice!”

Ralph Kramden would never be allowed to say, “Alice I’m going to hit you in the mouth so hard you’ll fly to the moon.” He never said exactly that but it was heavily implied on every episode of the Honeymooners. It was the catch phrase of the show, implying that a fat, stupid, career bus driver was going to domestically abuse his wife and we would all find it hilarious.

Alice Kramden was smarter than Ralph, which is why she received such verbal abuse from her schlub of a husband. She wasn’t afraid of him or his threats.

If Alice Kramden’s corpse was found in the Kramden family’s apartment, Norton the neighbor could look at the cameras and say, “How is anyone surprised? He’s been saying he’s going to beat the shit out of her for years!”

My threat to punch one of my children in the face was no more serious than Ralph Kramden’s threat to send his wife to the moon using only his fist, but my phrase didn’t come from Ralph Kramden. It came from George W. Bush. 

Not the actual George W Bush, the son of a one-term president named George HW Bush, but the fictional version of W from the TV show, That’s My Bush, that starred 2 actors who looked stunningly like the first POTUS of the 2nd millennium and his wife Laura. It came out that they were silly gooses, calling each other Bushy.

W was an incompetent president that was the puppet of a man who eventually became a billionaire, Dick Cheney. After the attacks on 9/11 Cheney disappeared for months on end into the presidential bunker, while W went out and gave speeches telling people to buy cars and smart phones because if they didn’t the terrorists win.

I was never a fan of W but I was scared shitless of Dick Cheney who would protect themself in a bunker while his president stood vulnerable in the open as the bruised and battered president of the most powerful nation in the world.

That’s My Bush wasn’t a good show and it didn’t last long, because it showed who our president actually was. It freaked out a lot of people. The most powerful man in the world was portrayed as someone who couldn’t beat a chimpanzee at checkers.

Because the actual president was a bumbling idiot what Matt Parker and Trey Stone should have shown us was a man who stumbled in front of the cameras but was Superman while no one was watching. It would have been fake but we would have laughed our asses off and it wouldn’t have scared the shit out of us.

W, which is what folks called that president, was as dumb as a box of Shrinky Dinks for sale at a garage sale after someone had already shrunk them. He was an entitled son of a rich oil man who eventually became president, who didn’t have to do anything to prove himself, which is how the privileged bring up their children for some reason. They allow them to not achieve anything. They expect nothing and they get exactly what they should expect, though, for some reason, they’re disappointed that their children don’t rise above their raising.

In America the children of privilege going to private schools aren’t expected to earn good grades, but they are expected to get good grades, even if mommy and daddy have to purchase those grades.

The W portrayed on That’s My Bush had a way of unraveling metaphors. The real W would start off with a metaphor and finish with a song lyric. “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice . . . we won’t get fooled again.”

The W on That’s My Bush was known for saying to the first lady, “Laura, I’m going to punch you in the face.” Though he may have been smiling he wasn’t beating around his Bush. It was W’s way of unraveling Ralph Kramden saying he wanted to beat up his wife because she made him look like a fool over and over again.

The fictional character of W in That’s My Bush would say it with a smile and the fictional Laura would smile as if the president of the most powerful nation in the world was her loveable, dimwitted, little imp who was on the verge of beating the shit out of her.

Hilarious!

There was a skit on SNL featuring Ronald Eugene Reagan back in the 80s, during his presidency. He was portrayed as the doddering old fool that white America knew and wanted to call its grandpa.

The skit was of the president running a cabinet meeting. Before he was president he was famous for being an actor in the 1950s. His costar was a chimpanzee. HIGHlarious HIGHjinx ensued, I’m sure.

Reagan doddered his way through the meeting and after everyone left he became a super serious man who could speak Chinese when the red phone rang.

HIGHlarious, and not scary at all. If you had portrayed Ronald Reagan as the doddering old fool that he actually was it would have scared us out of giving him a second term.

Richard Nixon was a shitty president but he wasn’t stupid. After the thugs he hired to break into the DNC offices got caught and it turned into the Watergate scandal all his republican counter-parts pushed him to ‘step-down’ as president before he was removed. 

Like the narcissist in chief currently serving a term as president, Nixon believed he was being treated unfairly by the press and said in the speech delivering the news that he was stepping down, “I am not a crook.” He also said, “You won’t have Richard Nixon to kick around anymore.”

As bad as Nixon was, a man who was about to get impeached while hippies ruled the earth, Ronald Eugene Reagan was worse. I would put it to you that he was demon spawn from Hell. He could be the antichrist predicted in revelations!

Reagan was a shitty human being who wouldn’t talk about the AIDS epidemic, which was killing a large portion of Americans. Like a lot of Americans he thought AIDS was icky because it mostly affected boys who put their wieners inside other boy’s butts.

The disease wasn’t just for gay men, it was for intravenous drug users, who would pass it around by sharing needles. This is one case in which you don’t want someone to do the Christian thing: keep that needle to yourself.

There were conspiracy theories that the government was involved in creating a disease that would only hurt and kill people considered undesirable by the masses, such as Homosexuals and IntraVenous drug users.

I capitalized the H of Homosexual and IV of IntraVenous because I always thought it was suspect that the HIV infection that lead to full blown AIDS was abbreviated that way and it covers both of the largest affected groups.

Reagan wouldn’t acknowledge the crack cocaine epidemic either, which was very likely husbanded by his CIA to affect the same 2 groups of people and drag them down even further. Reagan felt empowered to kill people. Or to engineer their untimely demise. 

He was a super-villain.

The worst 3 things Reagan did is that he crapped on the poor with his parable of the Welfare Queen, he got rid of the Fairness Doctrine and he defunded mental health care.

Reagan used the actions of one black woman to crap on millions of people benefitting from the American Welfare system, the majority of which were white.

The Fairness Doctrine was used to keep political balance in the broadcast community. If you broadcast a political opinion and someone who opposed that opinion heard it, you had to broadcast the oppositions opinion, by law. That kept balance in the USA.

Because of The Fairness Doctrine you couldn’t have a network that called itself “Fair and Balanced” while having zero intent of keeping its position as a tool of the antichrist to itself. Nor would you have had a bloviating moron named Limbaugh vomiting vile, toxic 3rd Reich rhetoric on the radio and TV everyday.

Reagan was a narcissist who thought mental health was an excuse for bad behavior and that people weren’t really mentally ill. He wanted America to quit paying for the excuse for bad behavior, so he did. 

Overnight crazy people wandered the streets because the federal government quit paying for beds in mental health institutions. Is it any wonder that active shooters in schools became so popular a few years later?

Reagan planted seeds of evil that America is harvesting today. He wasn’t threatening to send Americans to the moon using his fists, he was sending some of them to hell with his policies.

People are in the streets all over America protesting the murder of Renee Good in Minneapolis Minnesota who confronted federally funded members of ICE. She was shot multiple times and killed. 

ICE is out of control and tRump loves it. He loves chaos. He can get away with being a pedophile while there’s chaos in the streets.

If you don’t believe tRump is a pedo look up his activities before the year 2000. The guy bragged about walking in on little girls while they were in their dressing rooms and joked about his obligation to have sex with contestants of his beauty pageants. He claimed that he was allowed because he owned the rights to the beauty pageant.

Har har har. 

tRump was a pedo long before he got too old to chase girls wearing frilly panties.

For those limp dicks out there who refused to cover your Covid-hole with a piece of fabric, what do you think of federal agents hiding their identities by wearing a mask? 

Where are all the alpha-males I keep hearing republicans talk about? Wearing a mask and firing shots at a woman in a car ain’t alpha-male no matter which way you twist it and you cucks in the republican party ain’t gonna twist it until it is.

I lay it all at the feet of Ronald Reagan who was racist, misogynist, entitled, stupid and currently boiling in a toilet bowl filled with Satan’s shit, in a dark, lonely corner of Hell.

The current president’s version of, “To the moon, Alice! Pow! Right in the kisser,” was him saying he could shoot someone on 5th avenue and not lose one vote.

tRump wasn’t being metaphorical when he said it. He meant it and he doubles down on it everyday.

Amen.

MAGA loves Tesler!!!

 

tRump bought himself a Tesler. tRump’s master, the Muskrat, got scared because the stock price of Tesler is falling off a cliff. He might lose the position of “genius” if he can’t get the stock price to rise back up again.

Are you irritated that I called Muskrat tRump’s master? Consider: Muskrat spent 300 million clams on tRump’s campaign and tinkered with the voting machines to get his spray-on tanned ass elected. Of course Muskrat owns his pasty white ass.

Do you need more evidence that the Muskrat is tRump’s master? 

Muskrat deposited 100 million smackers into tRump’s super-pac, nearly 4 years before the next presidential election . . . one that tRump can’t stand for because of term limits. Sure, by the time the 2028 presidential election sneaks up on us republicans in congress will have used the constitution for toilet paper and make it possible for the current president to run again, if donOLD survives until the election of 2028.

Four years before donOLD needs money in his presidential super-pac he’s got freshly harvested millions, just because he bought a Tesler worth 90 thousand simoleons. Does anyone think tRump’s going to hang tight for a few years? Does anyone believe those duckets will still be there in 4 years?

The CEO of Tesler, a company that makes electric cars, thought it would be a great idea to have donOLD tRump buy one of his cars on live TV, so that all his followers would run out and buy one too.

This kind of strategy made me realize that Muskrat must be from Mars. It’s like he wasn’t at any of donOLD tRump’s rallies where he went scorched earth on electric cars and how democrats were killing America by buying Teslers.

Did Muskrat think MAGAts were going to rush out and buy a Tesler and look like a democrat?

Fans of donOLD are MAGAts. MAGAts pretend like they hate smart phones and pretend they can’t text. They’re the assholes that call you when you send them a text.

MAGAts don’t like technology of any kind. They think the world was better before computers. So when their god-king sat in a Tesler and said, “It’s all computer,” Muskrat should have shut the whole thing down.

That fact that the Dumpster called Muskrat’s company “Tesler” leads me to believe he was doing it against his will. donOLD is the dumbest president we’ve ever had and could compete for the dumbest person in America, but he knew how to pronounce the name of Muskrat’s company, he fucked it up on purpose. 

Since the Tesler event was broadcast live Muskrat couldn’t edit out the president calling his electric car company Tesler, which is why donOLD did it. 

tRump hates Muskrat.

tRump called Muskrat’s electric car company “Tesler” more than once. I’m sure Muskrat’s finger was hovering over the “delete” button on tRump’s neural implant. Of course if he cut tRump’s feed on live TV we would all see tRump slump to the ground like a marionette who’s strings were cut.

If Muskrat’s stupid shenanigans weren’t fucking up America from the inside out I would be laughing my ass off. He’s literally showing the world how stupid and disconnected from reality he is.

After America has been destroyed Muskrat will still be the richest man in the world. It won’t be long before you see headlines about people starving to death in America. 

This isn’t a game that Muskrat can pay gamers to level up a character for him so he can come in and play god-mode and wipe out everyone. Muskrat is cancelling your future. 

A lot of you cheered him on thinking he’d make you rich while he did it.

Zelenskyy beats tRump

 

The president of Ukraine came to the United States to meet with the current occupant of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, whom I like to refer to as the Orange Anus and the transexual vice president, John Dorian Vance. The only one missing was the middle stooge, Larry Fine . . . aka Muskrat.

When heads of state meet with the current US president there’s always a photoshoot before negotiations begin, where reporters are allowed to ask questions before they’re shooed out of the room so the grownups can talk. 

tRump exploded like an anal polyp trying to get Zelenskyy to say thank you to him for offering to make some kind of deal. 

tRump offered no safety guarantees for Ukraine if Zelenskyy signed away 50% of the rare earth mineral rights of Ukraine to the US. tRump’s theory was that the presence of Americans would prevent Putin from invading more than he already has.

Zelenskyy responded that the mere presence of Americans didn’t stop Putin when he walked in and took Crimea and it didn’t stop him when he started the unprompted invasion of Ukraine three years ago. Americans were quickly evacuated, but they were there when Russian troops marched on Ukraine.

Left leaning news reporters thought Zelenskyy was set up, that tRump never intended to offer security guarantees. I agree, though the difference is that Zelenskyy knew that as well. His plan was to expose tRump as the Putin puppet he always was.

Several times the man with the pretty eyes, JD Vance, asked Zelenskyy if he’s thanked the current president for offering to help, right there in the oval office. Ol’ pretty eyes was kissing daddy’s ass so hard he got bronzer on his lips.

Zelenskyy could have stopped and said, “Thank you Mr. president,” right then and there and pretty eyes would have had to sit on his thumbs, but he didn’t. 

The president of France, Emmanuel Macron, was buddy buddy in his oval office meeting with tyrannosaurus Rump and was allowed to correct him in front of the world, as long as they were patting each other’s rumps. 

tRump thinks Macron is dreamy.

Zelenskyy knew tRump hated him. tRump called Zelenskyy during his reelection campaign in 2020 and asked him to investigate Hunter Biden, the son of his presidential rival.

Junior Biden was working for an oil company . . . cough cough . . . he was an advisor getting paid quite a lot of money because of who his father was.

Tyranny Rump wanted dirt on Joe Biden but couldn’t find any. Daddy Biden is a pervert, but otherwise clean as a whistle. Even Miss Lindsay Graham, a notoriously closeted homosexual republican, likes Crooked Joe Biden.

Back then I didn’t know who Zelenskyy was and really didn’t care, though I immediately liked him when I heard that he told The Dumpster no.

At the time Ukraine was not in a war with Russia. Zelenskyy didn’t need help from the US. 

Zelenskyy was an actor who portrayed a fictional president of Ukraine on Ukrainian TV who was elected to be the actual president of Ukraine. 

Who’d’ve guessed that an actor could become president of a whole country? How fucked up is that?

In the Hunter Biden convo tRump said, “Just go on TV and pretend to investigate Hunter Biden. I’ll do the rest.” 

Zelenskyy told tRump to pound sand and leave him alone.

tRump was impeached for that phone call. Something to do with trying to rig an election . . . or maybe steal an election. I mean, who would ever do such a thing?

So when Zelenskyy walked into the oval office on February 28, 2025 he knew tRump’s words would be coming directly out of his anus. Besides, tRump had already told the American ambassador to the UN to vote against the non-binding resolution condemning Russia’s invasion of Ukraine. 

Do we think Zelenskyy’s an idiot? He knew there would be no friendly faces in that room. The only other countries who voted against the UN resolution were North Korea and Russia. The United States of America, for the first time in history, was on the side of 2 communist countries fighting a war with a democratic country.

Zelenskyy could have pointed out that tRump hadn’t offered Ukraine anything at that point, but he didn’t. Instead he ticked off all the times that he had thanked the previous administration, counting that as ‘thanking America and American citizens.’

Zelenskyy could have paused and said, “Thank you president tRump,” but he didn’t. Zelenskyy knew Putin’s arm was shoved up tRump’s ass and his hand was working the lips. Zelenskyy would get nothing. Why would he allow tRump to dominate him?

Zelenskyy not being a slobbering knob gobbler to tRump infuriated him so much that he made a fool out of himself in front of the world. tRump kicked the president of a democratic country out of the oval office for not sufficiently kissing his wrinkled red ass.

tRump only represents those who proudly walk around with bronzer on their lips and Zelenskyy knew that. He had to have seen the meetings with Macron and Starmer and how they both played slap and tickle with the toddler in chief. Zelenskyy could have done that but he chose not to.

Why?

Zelenskyy knew if tRump weaseled his way back into the white house he would get no help fighting Russia. He stated publicly, multiple times, that Europe should have it’s own army.

He’s right. 

I thought it was going to happen when the European Union was created. I know it was created to stabilize prices across the region by creating a common currency, but when the former prime minister of England, Tony Blair, became president of the EU I figured an army was the next move.

It makes sense. They’re all basically democracies and don’t want fascism or communism to rise again.

I knew before the 2024 election that Zelenskyy was planning for a future that might not include the United States.

You have to give Zelenskyy credit for having the balls to go to the United States in order to talk about a deal that he knew wouldn’t help him.

So why did Zelenskyy meet with the American president? 

He wanted to spit in Putin’s face.

Because Zelenskyy did what every democratic leader in the world wishes they had the balls to do, they’ve all came to his side, pledging that Ukraine will not be alone in its war with Russia. 

I think Zelenskyy won his war with Russia. That is, unless tRump proves that he’s an actual traitor and tries to send troops to help his best friend Putin.

As much as I wish tRump wasn't the current American president I really don't want him to be the last.

Jesus, Incorporated

By the time God got Mary in trouble; making her pregnant with Jesus, the church had grown rich and powerful, but it wasn’t the Christian church. 

Their rules were strict and their punishments cruel and brutal. They didn’t care if you were poor. They would NOT give you anything, which is why Jesus was born in a barn.

God loved his creations but they were straying from the path. 

The last time God sent a message he nearly wiped the slate clean by flooding the entire earth. Maybe God thought killing almost everyone was too harsh and instead he would enter the world and make everyone calm down using love and reason.

We all know how that story ended.

In America if someone takes our stuff we blow their head off. If someone comes into our country uninvited we kick them in the pants and send them home with no supper. If you need a place to sleep and you don’t have any dubloons, tough titty! 

Emperors weren’t comfortable with the words of Jesus. They wanted to be the judge, jury and executioner of their people. Jesus said God was the only one they should listen to. It’s why they tortured and killed him on the cross.

When missionaries wanted a powerful man to accept Jesus as their lord and savior, they had to minimize the words of Jesus. None of that “blessed are the meek stuff.” 

Jesus taught us that people shouldn’t kill people. That we should welcome strangers, and if we’re mean to them we’re being mean to him and we’re going to Hell. If someone takes your coat, give them your shirt. If they kick your ass, offer them your balls.

Here we are, two thousand and twenty-four years after the birth of Jesus, in America, a country on a continent ruled by a system of laws, which was unheard of so many years ago.

We’re still talking about Jesus. 

Christians talk about Jesus a lot, but they don’t seem to remember what he said or did. They remember lots of old testament stuff. Stuff that Jews based their religion on, but not much of what Christianity is based on. 

It’s understandable considering Jews and Christians came from the same traditions. But Jesus was here to reform the church. 

Don’t get it twisted. Jesus wasn’t trying to change God’s rules. The tricky pharisees were always trying to get Jesus to admit he was trying to change the written word of God, so they could justify torturing and killing him on a cross, but he proved them wrong.

Jesus wasn’t trying to change the rules, he was trying to change the people.

They killed him anyway. 

Jesus knew they would kill him. He was being a pain in the ass to the rich and powerful. It’s why Abraham Lincoln was assassinated. It’s why JFK was assassinated. It’s why Vladimir Putin killed Alexei Navalny. 

Powerful people don’t want to help the poor. They want them to go away. Or get a job. Or just quit bitching.

Which is why I’m confused by Christians embracing Donald Trump. He’s rich. He wants to kill criminals. He wants to kill people who don’t like him. He wants to wall off the southern border so no one gets in without permission, even if they die.

Capitalism and Christianity don’t blend well if you use lots and lots of Jesus, so churches talk about this guy named Jesus a lot, but they don’t emphasize what he taught.

I stopped thinking church was relevant when I was twelve years old. I had skipped big church to walk up to 7-Eleven so I could buy a pack of cigarettes and play the pinball machine. 

I did it every Sunday. Mom and dad didn’t go to church, they just made sure I got up and out the door in time to catch the bus.

Sunday school was held in an old house next to the big church. After Sunday school the kids weren’t escorted to the pews, we were dismissed and expected to go to the sanctuary on our own.

I had to go to Sunday school but I discovered I could avoid big church by hiding in the bathroom or walking down the street.

That particular Sunday my mom was there. She rarely came to church. That she wasn’t willing to go herself pissed me off, until I became a parent. Then I understood.

I was walking back to church so I wouldn’t miss the bus home when I saw my mom stomping around the parking lot looking for me. I don’t know if I’d forgotten that mom would be expecting me in big church, or if my cousin threw me under the bus, but I freaked out!

Mom was embarrassed and it made me feel really bad. She didn’t force me to go to church anymore. What would be the point? Besides I’d been saved multiple times by those vixens in Sunday school with their passionate stories of Jesus and his disciples. Jesus was a badass. 

Such courage!

I’d start to well up and that particular Sunday school teacher would hug me to her bosom and ask me to accept Jesus into my heart, again. And again. And again. I was a sucker for a good story.

The church up the street from my house peppers its lawn with powder blue and pink crosses from time to time. Sometimes there are hundreds of crosses. I don’t know why the numbers go up and down.

Because my drunken father threw random bible verses at me while verbally abusing me, I decided to read the bible. I got to know it pretty well. It’s a weird book, to say the least.

The first part of Bible is about how god created the world and put a couple people on it, who right away started breaking the rules. Those two people got kicked out of paradise and had a bunch of babies, that had babies with each other until the world was full of humans who treated each other like junk.

God tried to get everyone to be nice to each other by destroying cities, countries, even the entire world. He even entered our reality as a human being named Jesus and got himself killed, just trying to get people to be nice to each other.

Now Christians are embracing Donald Trump, who doesn’t even pretend to be nice. 

Trump paid for a full page ad in the New York Times saying the Central Park 5 should be executed.

The Central Park 5 were 5 young men who were convicted of raping a woman jogging in Central Park. Eventually it was proven they were innocent, but the 5 of them spent from 7 to 13 years in prison.

Yes, Hillary Clinton wasn’t nice about the Central Park 5 either, but she was never our president, nor will she ever be.

When Trump came down the escalator to announce his run for president the first thing he did was shit on Mexicans. I don’t think Jesus would have appreciated that. Calling them illegal would have NOT made a difference to the prince of peace.

But abortion seems to be the biggest issue of all to American Christians and Donald Trump talks about abortion. He talks about no abortions after a certain number of weeks and how women who get abortions should be punished.

What’s baffling about Christians wanting to ban abortion is that Jesus didn’t talk about them. At all. He hung out with prostitutes. I would think the subject might have come up if it were a big deal. 

If prostitution is the world’s oldest profession, I’m guessing 'abortion provider' isn’t far behind. 

Jesus knew about abortions but he had bigger fish to fry, and to give away to the masses, even if you couldn’t pay for it. Free fish for everyone! Come on down to the river! Jesus is having a fish fry!

The only religious basis given for being against abortion is an expanded reading of the sixth commandment: thou shalt not kill. 

Jesus put his weight behind that commandment when the pharisees wanted to stone a woman to death for having sex outside of marriage. Jesus embarrassed them when he picked up a rock and said, “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.” Her accusers walked away.

But Christians think it’s okay to kill people, especially if they’ve committed a crime, even if the sixth commandment forbids it. The sixth commandment does NOT say, “Thou shalt not kill . . . unless they committed a crime.” They didn’t flinch when their next president wanted to kill 5 guys falsely accused of rape.

Jesus is supposed to be our life-coach not a cardboard cut-out propped up next to a perfumed, suit wearing televangelist.

 

I abandoned Christianity when I was told one of my kids was going to Hell for being gay. Not because Jesus said my kid was going to Hell, because he didn’t.

When I was told my child would go to Hell for being gay I couldn’t abide the idea. So I said, “Then I will reject Heaven. I will go to Hell because I don’t want her to be alone.”

I got the same feeling when I heard Christians talk about illegal immigrants. America is the richest country in the world, but we want to close the border because we don’t want to share?

 I got that feeling when I heard that a woman died because her doctor was scared to perform an abortion, even though it was the only way to save her life, because their state banned abortion in the name of Jesus.

I got that feeling when I saw an old white man on his knees praying in front of a Planned Parenthood clinic in a run down neighborhood in Wyandotte County Kansas. He’d driven up in a late-model Lincoln Continental and printed on the back of his windbreaker was, “Pray for the fetuses.” Not, “Pray for the mother.” 

If the key to passing through the pearly gates is to abide by the words of Jesus then I’ll be seeing a lot of familiar faces in the afterlife. 

It will be one Hell of a reunion.

OBAMA VS TRUMP in 2028

Several of my friends are MAGA. I’m not and though they think I’m a democrat because I wouldn’t vote for tRump if you gave me a million smackers . . . okay, that’s bullshit . . . sure I would, because a million smackers would insulate me from the damage tRump would cause to my country while he trips over his dick getting revenge on people in his own party. 

Oh, and crashing the economy.

I’m not a MAGA and I’m not a democrat. I’m not a democrat because they’re pussies and won’t fight like republicans. Democrats refuse to tell lies, make up insulting names and be assholes about their positions like republicans do. In a country where the WWE is an insanely popular . . . sport? Of course Americans wanna see BOTH sides talking smack.

Yeah, it would look just like the movie Idiocracy, but that is WHERE WE ARE!!!

I love Michelle Obama. I thinks she’s cute and funny, tells wonderful stories about our most popular president and was a wonderful first lady, but she was wildly off the mark when she said publicly, “When they go low, we go high.” Democrats lose elections taking stupid advice like that.

Hillary Clinton shit the bed when she called MAGA republicans, “A basket of deplorables.” WTF does that even mean? It sounds like something a maiden aunt from the 1800s would have said about street kids in a Jane Austen novel.

If republicans are slinging mud then democrats need to sling manure.

The Three Stooges, aka tRump, Muskrat and Pretty Eyes, are “flooding the zone.” They’re going fast and breaking things. 

The good thing is that even tRump’s rich donors are getting fucked over. The stock market is crashing hard, which means mostly rich people are getting fucked. Yeah, a lot of working class people have IRAs that’ll be affected but they probably voted for the Orange Anus so I don’t have much sympathy for them.

I only have a couple MAGA friends on Facebook. When one of them says something so stupidly MAGA I just move along. I like them despite their support for the demise of our country and that they believe every thing that comes out of tRump’s facial anus.

They say your mouth is directly connected to your anus by a long tube. I think tRump’s was reversed. His mouth is between his sweaty, dimpled ass cheeks.

I’ve deleted a few of my MAGA acquaintences for saying violently stupid things. Mainly because ALL they would post on FB were disparaging things about democrats. 

While Sleepy Joe was president the price of gas was getting very high, so MAGA was told it was Biden’s fault.

I hated that because I thought it wasn’t true but it was true. Gas prices were high because of Biden. Not because he did something that caused prices to go up, but because he wouldn’t go toe to toe with the liars who were blaming him for high gas prices.

Exxon and Shell saw that MAGAs were being told it was Sleepy Joe’s fault, so they cranked it up to 11 and got even richer. When Saudis saw that the price of gas was going up for no logical reason, they raised the price of crude and they got even richer. 

Everybody wins!

Sleepy Joe finally shook his finger at gas companies like an old timey school marm and gas prices dropped about a dollar a gallon.

Whoopdidoo! 

I was curious about what my MAGA ex-buddies were posting on their FB feed since the stock market is crashing and Muskrat is publicly talking about dismantling Social Security.

I looked up one guy who is my age; a guy who said he would retire on his 62nd birthday so the state of Social Security should matter to him. Someone had posted on his page a conspiracy about Barack Hussein Obama.

That was odd. Why would they give a shit about Obama now?

The conspiracy was about how someone had digitally changed Obama’s birth certificate; that he was actually born in Kenya.

Nearly 20 years ago while Barack Obama was running for president, tRump was speaking out of his facial anus, saying that Obamna was not born in the US.

I exhausted myself explaining to MAGAs that it didn’t matter whether Obama was born here, his mom was American. A fact that NO ONE was disputing.

This rebuilt conspiracy claims Obama was born in Kenya, even though that doesn’t matter because of “birthright citizenship” which states that if ONE of your parents is an American, you are an American, no matter WHERE you were born.

John McCain, a republican senator for decades, who barred tRump from his funeral when he died while tRump was president, was born in Panama. His father was stationed there while he was in the armed services. Though McCain was born in Panama his mother and father were Americans, so he was an American.

tRump tried getting rid of birthright citizenship with a few squiggles of a Sharpie marker, but that’s been struck down by federal judges; judges he appointed during his first term as the Anus in Chief.

So why are MAGAs being fed bullshit about Barack Obama?

I think I know.

There have been rumblings among those who have bronzer on their lips from kissing tRump’s sweaty, dimpled ass that they’re going to peel back presidential term limits so the toddler in chief can run for president again when he’s 82 years old.

Does that mean Obama could run for president in 2028?

tRump trips over his words all the time, and several times he claimed he beat Obama in the election against Hillary Clinton in 2016. Obama was the president when donOLD won his first election, but that election had nothing to do with Obama. 

Obama was never in the mix, though republicans have been saying Obama controls the democrats. That while Sleepy Joe occupied 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue Obama was the puppet master.

It would be awesome if Obama were the puppet master, but why would it matter? My guess is because of the inherent racism among white MAGAs. Obama is their boogie man.

Now I’m excited for the election in 2028. Could you imagine a match up between Barack Hussein Obama and donOLD Judas tRump?

Obama won the 2012 presidential election in a landslide against Mitt Romney, a popular, though generic republican.

Tonight while saying my prayers, I’m going to ask God to protect donOLD tRump so he can run against Obama in 2028. 

Wanna see someone win an election in a landslide? donOLD would get his ass spanked like a toddler caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

WTF does Elon Musk want?

I feel like we’re all living within the DC Universe and a new super-villian has made himself known. He’s snuggled up to a pretend billionaire American president so he can have access to the data of individual Americans so he can . . . .

And that’s where my imagination ends. I can’t figure out what Elly Muskrat wants. He’s richer than anyone in history, yet he won’t go away. 

Muskrat shut down USAID. Ol’ Pooty, the prez of our grand old enemy, Russia, didn’t like them, because it gave America something called ‘soft power’. 

Is Muskrat in Pooty’s pocket?

Soft power is an antiquated term that hasn’t been given much respect in America in this millennium nor the last quarter of the previous century. Soft power is being nice to poor people in foreign countries: aka, countries that are not America, so they’ll let us drill for oil or build a military base on their land. 

China discovered soft power and is using it to quietly, but steadily, slurp up all the raw materials in the world. 

China is HUGE in Africa. They give away enormous amounts of money and labor to help local economies with roads and bridges. If oil is discovered then China politely asks if they can extract it . . . after spending billions on making the lives of work-a-day Africans better.

I ain’t mad at China. I can’t wait until they start building bullet trains across America . . . I don’t want to think about what they’ll ask us to give them in order to get them thar trains . . .

It used to worry me that China controlled so much of the world’s resources, but they still believe in slave labor, so they can sell stuff SO cheap from the material it gets from Africa that, as long as I still have a job, I can buy all the doodads I want.

Even if tyrannosaurus Rump raises tariffs on China they’ll just cut rations on their slaves and whip them that much harder and still be cheaper than the competition. 

You gotta love a country with long term goals.

So, WTF does Elly Muskrat want? 

I feel like he’s working out some sort of grievance. Like he’s getting back at all the popular boys who forced him to put his head in a South African toilet while they peed on him. And all the pretty girls who wouldn’t let him squeeze their boobies. 

Before the hair plugs and the facial reconstruction Muskrat had what we used to call, “a punch-able face.” Okay, so the hair plugs and facial  work didn’t reduce the punch-ability of his face by much . . .

Muskrat was born into wealth. His paternal unit dabbled in mining during apartheid in South Africa. It’s ironic that a guy who threw a Nazi salute at a neo-Nazi rally celebrating the election of a wanna-be fascist dictator is an ACTUAL African America?

Yeah yeah, he was throwing his heart out to all the heartless voters who voted for the dumbest man in the world to run the most powerful country in the world. Sure, that’s what he was doing.

Wink wink, nudge nudge.

But Elly is now, actually, rich. He got there by being a narcissistic bully who hung out with nerds. The guy who knew a guy who could set up your printer. Muskrat knew just enough nerdy shit to know who could get stuff done. Like how he hires actual gamers to grind through the boring parts, so he can play GOD mode with all his weapons maxxed out. 

It’s common knowledge Muskrat didn’t invent the electric car, nor did he have anything to do with founding Tesla. You can tell when he took control though. 

Before Muskrat got the reins of Tesla, their products were slick, fast and refined. After . . . we get the CyberQuirk. It looks like Muskrat designed it with a ruler and a number 2 pencil when he was 7 years old. 

But man did he tell some great lies about the CyberQuirk: the one vehicle we think of when we see his oh so punch-able face. 

My favorite was his claim that a CyberQuirk could outrun a Porsche 911 while towing a Porsche 911 on a trailer. I chubbed a little thinking of how cool that would be. 

It turns out that it was as real as a DC Universe super hero, but not a cool one like Superman. More like Porcupine Pete. (I know some of you are going to look him up!)

I keep expecting to see Elly Muskrat on TV interrupting regular programming, like in the old days during tornado season, and telling us what his demands are. He’ll be dressed in yoga pants and a towel for a cape with a mask covering his eyes . . . but not hiding who he is. The mask is just because, you know, it’s cool. Like, super hero cool.

He’ll fly around suspended on wires while we see tRump duct taped to a kitchen chair that’s hanging by bungee cords over a vat of sparkling water.

When Elly Muskrat stumbles to a landing and looks into the camera, WTF is he going to demand? 

I feel like what’s happening with our government is some kind of doomsday story. Like he’s going to climb into a rocket headed for Mars while we all die of . . . what? Dropping hydrogen bombs on each other?

I used to think there was a conspiracy behind Elly Muskrat’s actions. It’s obvious to everyone that he’s a narcissistic weirdo but a conspiracy would imply forethought. Planning things out, then strategically moving towards that goal. 

If you paid attention to what happened with Twixxler you’ll know that Elly Muskrat has a low IQ. He never intended to buy Twixxler, he just got his little feelers hurt by what actual grown ups were saying about him. 

Muskrat threatened to buy Twixxler and fire everyone. When he tried to back out they said, “No backsies . . . you pledged a gajillion dollars, now put up so we can cash out!!!”

I’m beginning to think there is no goal. Muskrat cracking open the most closely guarded secrets in the US government is just a challenge. Like a video game. Not a video game that he wants to play, but one he wants to take credit for winning. 

I’m beginning to think it has to do with being a billionaire. 

If you have any contact with any news about any celebrities you’ll have heard about Ye. 

Ye used to be an artist named Kanye West, but now he’s a billionaire. 

I don’t know that I’ve ever heard anything he’s put out, but I don’t listen to the radio much. I remember he rushed the stage at an awards show and stole the mic from . . . was it Taylor Swift? I thought it was mildly amusing. I wasn’t mad at him.

Then he married a woman famous for being famous, which is a thing these days. He named one of their kids North, which meant his full name would be North West, which I thought was awesome. It meant the guy has a sense of humor, which means a lot to me.

As Kanye West grew in popularity he accumulated wealth. It’s the American way. 

Then I started hearing rumors that he believed he might be the son of God: Jesus’s second coming. Then he started saying he was God. Then he said he loved donOLD tRump and he loved Hitler and that he IS a Nazi.

During all this his wife, who was famous for being famous, divorced him and started dating a comedian that the man formerly known as Kanye West: Ye, threatened to kill in a song that was distributed by a large recording label, to the public.

Ye then married a woman who would go out into public in outfits that left little to the imagination, which peaked when Ye escorted her to the Oscars in an outfit that left nothing to the imagination.

People have been saying that Ye is not mentally healthy for a long time, but when did they start saying it? Was it after his financial odometer ticked over one billion?

Ye is supposedly a billionaire. He said he was a while back, though Adidas gave him the thumbs down for his Nazi comments. When they stopped their sponsorship of Ye there were questions about actual wealth.

Now Muskrat acts like he owns the president of the United States and people are comparing him with the worst man to exist in the last 100 years.

Did Muskrat start going off the rails when his odometer clicked over one billion?

There were billionaires before Ye and Musk, such as Bill Gates and Warren Buffet but those guys had to know stuff and actually do stuff to accumulate their wealth. Ye and Musk are just stumbling around and money sticks to them and I think it’s making them sick.

I don’t think this phenomenon of the insta-billionaire is good for the world. I would say to give Elon Musk what he wants but I don’t think he knows what he wants.